Electra Mocks the VMAs

Inspired by one of my heroes, the Sports Guy, I decided to keep a diary of this year's MTV Video Music Awards. Enjoy.

6:59 - With an expression that says “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” – Billie Joe and crew open the MTV VMAs with “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” in front of an odd smoke waterfall. Man, his voice sounds like hell. Alan points out that we’re less than 5 minutes in, and there’s already more rock than there was last year.

7:07 – Diddy is “swimming” towards the VMAs while a female robot announces his arrival. D-I-D-D-Y is your host tonight. Please follow his instructions. Now Diddy is rapping over “Relax” about the musical journey of sight and sound we’re about to enjoy. There’s blood leaking out of my ear.

7:10 –Get your TiVos ready, Diddy tells me. Why, is the new Franz Ferdinand video coming on after this?

7:13 – And the first Moonmen go to… Kelly Clarkson and Kanye West. Why they combined the Best Male and Female Video into one presentation, I have no idea. This thing is 3 hours long. They couldn’t present them separately? The camera work is awful. I hate MTV.

7:18 - Now I know why they combined the two awards – so Beavis and Butthead would have enough time to tell me they’re better than Green Day and laugh like it’s 1993. I hate MTV.

7:23 – I think I just saw Ciara’s coochie. She told us we’re going all over the world, but all I see is some guys rapping. Wait, there’s some steel drums. That’s worldly.

7:27 – Diddy says he is happy to host the awards with class and sophistication. Then he swears a lot. Damn, Diddy is edgy. “Anything can happen,” Diddy promises us, including nude women. Apparently the FCC has the night off.

7:31 – What is Kirsten Dunst wearing? Is that a bathrobe? A sack? Did she know this thing would be televised? Ooooh, she and Orlando Bloom are presenting the Rock Video award. Who will it be? Weezer, Killers, Green Day, Foos, or My Chemical Romance?

7:33 – Green Day is your winner. They stumble confusedly through some weirdly placed water fountains. “It’s great to know rock music still has a place on MTV,” says Billie Joe. A small place, sort of out of the way, but a place nonetheless.

7:34 – ARI GOLD!!! Jeremy Piven is rockin’ an orange jacket with panache.

7:39 – So far “anything can happen” means Diddy will give some guy his diamond-crusted watch and then dance for us while a Black Eyed Pea plays air drums. Color me unimpressed.

7:42 – I’m so sorry I mocked you, Diddy! You brought us MC Hammer! Anything CAN happen!!!

7:44 – Ashlee Simpson looks better than Jessica for the first time ever. Mark it. It looks like Mrs. Lachey just pulled whatever was clean out of her lingerie drawer, and yet it’s terribly unsexy. Man, it is fun to mock famous people.

7:48 – Well, we’re in Miami, and there’s Dwayne Wade cracking bad jokes. I smell a Shaq Attack. Aaaaaaand there he is.

7:53 – Shakira is damn hot. I wish I had her ass. Not, like, as an object I could keep around my house and display when company comes over. You know what? Never mind.

7:55 – The Chicago skyline got some digitally altered love in that Kanye West Pepsi commercial. Suh-weet!

8:04 – Did we really just have a clownin’ vs. krumpin’ dance-off? Hey, there’s Ciara’s coochie again!

8:13 – ARI GOLD!!! Wait… WAIT!?!?! Did MTV just cut off Jeremy Piven’s 10 seconds on screen after torturing us with 6 minutes of R Kelly talking to himself? That’s it. I’m done with this shit. Sorry. I tried.

8:18 - … okay, I’m back. Just can’t resist the pull of the snark.

8:20 – Diddy is taking us through the evolution of his name changes. This is the most self-indulgent thing ever. There’s blood oozing out of Alan’s nose.

8:24 – Ooooh, the Killers performing in front of the Victor Hotel pool!! They look sharp, as I knew they would. Maybe Brandon Flowers shouldn’t be waving his mic stand over the pool, though.

8:27 – ARI GOLD!!! Oh dear, Jeremy Piven just craaaaaashed and burned with some bad jokes about Lil Kim going to jail. I feel embarrassed for him. That reminds me, I'll be missing Entourage to watch this crap. Thank god for TiVo.

8:31 – Ludacris just got his first ever Moonman. I wonder if we have any leftover pizza?

8:32 – We do!

8:38 – Diddy is conducting an orchestra while Biggie Smalls raps! Diddy brought him back to life! ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN!!!

8:39 – Oh, you mean he’s still dead? Oh.

8:44 – Please please please let Fall Out Boy win the MTV2 Award.

8:45 – HOLY F*CKING SHIT!!! Chicago’s own!!! Booooooyah!!!

8:46 – Well, there’s my highlight so far. They were sweet and honest and shouted out MCR and the fans. What more can you ask for? Well, besides an entertaining awards show that doesn’t liquefy my brain.

8:50 – I show Alan a mouthful of chewed-up pizza. That’s just the kind of classy lady I am.

8:55 – I guess one of the big surprises involves a historic reggaeton performance. I’m not trying to insult these gentlemen, but I’m not into it. Also, each performer only got about 30 seconds, a la last year’s rock band montage with Yellowcard, Jet and the ‘stank. I hate MTV.

8:59 – Fat Joe just insulted G-Unit, making the atmosphere quite tense. Alan and I debate about who will get shot at a post-party first.

9:01 – Finally - Coldplay! Chris Martin sure is doing a lot of vocal improvising and flourishes with “Speed of Sound.” I kinda like it.

9:03 – There he goes, up into the stands! I'm so glad being a new daddy hasn't sapped his spritely energy.

9:09 – If Ashlee Simpson or Lindsay Lohan wins this Pop Award, I’ll shove this entire pizza crust in my mouth so I can choke on it and be put out of my misery.

9:11 – Whew. Crisis averted. The obviously drunk Kelly Clarkson is your winner.

9:23 – Whoa, has nothing happened that I can make fun of in 12 minutes? That’s crazy!

9:24 – Oh damn, Dane Cook!!! “Who’s in My Mouth?” “Blow your kid up!” Shooting people with Superman shirts! Anything can happen!!!

9:27 – And the Killers are the winners of Best New Artist! I don’t know about you, but my favorite Killer is the giant husky one with the long, shaggy hair and muttonchops.

9:30 – Snoop Dogg and Gwen Stefani just got money from Diddy for being hot. Gwen says, “I think Snoop and I look really good together tonight.” Gavin just poured himself his 5th bourbon and stared longingly at his platinum record for Sixteen Stone.

9:33 – Eva Longoria. Wow. Seriously, I can see her coochie.

9:34 – Mariah is performing a medley while wearing a skintight ice blue gown and splashing around. Brain. Can’t. Function. Too much snark.

9:36 – “I used to like Mariah Carey,” says Alan. I think I know what a stroke feels like.

9:38 – Beavis is grunting and preaching about the importance of voting. It’s not even 2008 yet, and the MTV young voter push is on. My head hurts. Maybe it’s the stroke.

9:46 – Whoa – “Feel Good Inc” won Breakthrough Video!!! It took me a while to like that song, but I honestly believe it’s the song of the summer. Yay Gorillaz!

9:49 – 50 Cent says something so profane and offensive that the entire sentence was bleeped out. I think it might have been about Fat Joe’s mother.

9:58 – I refuse to believe that Diddy is friends with My Chemical Romance. But I’m sure happy to see their “surprise” performance. Perhaps Kelly Clarkson is vomiting somewhere and thus unable to sing like she was supposed to.

10:02 – Wasn’t this supposed to be over by now? Why is Paris Hilton babbling about how many carats she’s wearing when My Chemical Romance only got 2 minutes to perform? I hate MTV.

10:04 – Greeeeeen Day wins the Viewer Choice Award! Billie Joe just almost kissed Bow Wow! Anything can happen!

10:13 – The end is blissfully near. Who will win the biggest award of the night: Video of the Year? Green Day pops up on the screen, and Alan says: “Man, that would be great, but I bet it won’t happen.”

10:15 – Good thing Alan is not a betting man. YAYAYAYAY!!!

10:17 – “Do the things that you f*cking believe in” – Billie Joe. Damn straight.

10:18 – Diddy promises us something incredible for the finale. We get… Kelly Clarkson, not wearing shoes – or vomiting, I’m happy to say, as she performs “Since U Been Gone” while walking through the crowd. Wait a minute – she’s walking around the whole set! And now she’s getting rained on! SHE COULD GET ELECTROCUTED! ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN!!!

10:21 – Nope. Show’s over. And I still hate MTV.

Job Perks

It's been a busy couple of days. The Second City Romeo and Juliet Musical on Tuesday, Duffy's last night for some drinkin' and singin'. But the highlight of my week so far has got to be "meeting" Gavin Rossdale. I had suuuuuuuch a crush on him when Sixteen Stone first came out. He was at Q101 yesterday afternoon taping some songs and an interview. Ravey and I decided to go investigate... but we basically turned into 14-year-old girls. We walked by, waved and said "hi" at the same time, and then took a sharp right turn into another hallway where we giggled for a while. I will say this: Gavin did wave back, and smile adorably, and that made it all worth it. Man, sometimes I just love my job.

I Heart Shirley

Just got back from seeing Garbage - my first show at the Vic Theatre! It was a terribly cozy venue. I felt much closer to Shirley than I was at the T.L.A. back in April. She looked absolutely fabulous. All black, a funky hat, pigtails and attitude to spare, as usual. One thing you can say about Shirley Manson: she sure does love to drop the f-bombs. Oddly, they stopped popping out of her mouth as frequently after she discovered a 9 year-old boy in the front row holding a sign that basically said "this is my first concert." They had a Kodak moment together. I was jealous.

Sadly, Butch Vig was absent from the show because of the passing of his mother. (Shirley sent out "When I Grow Up" to him and sent him all her love and strength.) The fill-in drummer wasn't bad, but Alan felt like there was some intensity missing. Other than that, the show was great. It was nice to hear a couple songs off Beautiful Garbage, a new song - protesting the loss of life in Iraq, said Shirl - and all the sing-along hits. The encore was a little draggy, and the Queen walked off before we could pay proper homage, but all in all, a good good time.

Then I waited for the El next to a bunch of fresh-from-the-Cubs-game guys who thought the best way to hit on the cute girls across the tracks was to repeatedly and loudly address them by the colors they were wearing. "Hey Pink! Hey Orange! Where ya going, Pink? Looking good, Orange!" I don't recommend this as a way to pick up girls. Then again, I rarely try to pick up girls, so what do I know?

Wonka: The Overdue Review

I have a terrible confession to make. Even though I talked a big game about being excited for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, I didn't actually see the movie until today. Oh sure, I could make excuses. There was Lollapalooza, there were family visits and trips to visit family, there's been a lot of new apartment shopping and organizing to do. But I think the underlying truth to my delayed screening was this: I was afraid I would hate the movie. I loved the book and the Gene Wilder take on the "candy man," and I also loooooove Mr. Depp. There were lofty expectations, let's put it that way.

Now that I've seen the movie, I'm sad to say that my fears were realized. I spent most of the movie thinking about what made it different from the original, and smirking rather than laughing at Johnny Depp's... let's call it "obscenely quirky" performance. I have a handful of gripes, but let's stick to just one, shall we? The fate of each loathesome child had a sort of creepy menace to it - and that was probably Burton's point, but I didn't care for it. Wilder made their punishments seem deserved, but almost whimsical. Depp didn't seem to care how each child met their fudgy/blue/smelly/shrunken state, because he didn't seem to care much about children, or people, at all. And I just didn't like that take on Wonka. EsPECially when it means there has to be an emotional reconciliation and a "his heart grew three sizes that day" kind of ending.

So after all the hoopla, I have to say... March of the Penguins is still the best movie of the summer. :)

Study This!

If you can wade through the muck about Brit Brit's baby shower, that guy who dropped out of American Idol, and the family lawsuit currently plaguing Eminem, you'll read here that teens who watch R-rated movies are more likely to succumb to a host of dangerous temptations, including smoking, drinking, and drug use. This news comes from a survey of nearly 2000 parents and teens recently conducted by the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University. When I read about surveys like this, I get a little cranky. I imagine a group of people sitting around a table, tossing out ideas about what combinations of factors and consequences would make for the most shocking headlines. "I know! Let's try to find out if teens who smoke are more likely to commit violent crimes! Or if kids whose parents openly smoke marijuana are prone to addiction problems later in life!" Wouldn't it make more sense to use the money allotted towards these surveys and studies to help teens who actively need counseling or treatment so they won't continue to exhibit harmful addictive behavior as adults? Or is that conclusion too obvious for the people who tell us, "news flash: bad behavior causes more bad behavior!"

Mmm... Pastry

I remember when my hep NYC friends first told me about Magnolia. It sounded like a magical place: a bakery where you could walk in and buy a single delicious cupcake and a glass of milk, even until the wee hours of the morning. Celebrities flock to Magnolia; in fact, it was a Sex and the City episode shout-out that first alerted many Manhattanites to its existence.

My point in bringing up Magnolia is that apparently "food executives" have tagged the cream puff as the new cupcake. The unfortunately named Beard Papa is a relatively new bakery chain and the hottest place to snag a delicious cream-filled pastry. Naturally, it was Magnolia's 'hood where Beard Papa made its American debut (it's a Japanese brand), but a Chicago location is set to open next year.

In theory, I'm excited about a cream puff-only store. Then again, I was excited in theory for the all cereal, all the time restaurant, and I haven't been there yet. I think some of these specialty places lose their novelty value relatively quickly, unless they turn out a truly innovative twist on the actual food product. And now that I think about it, why can't the cannolli pick up on some of this pending cream puff love? Or the zeppole? God, I'm hungry.

Common Blog Sense

Earlier today, I read this article in the Tribune about how people should exercise caution when blogging because of the possible repercussions - like being fired, or looked down upon by friends and family. I'm all in favor of creative expression, believe me. If your cubicle-mate has a tendency to get gassy after Tuesday Tacos, you should be allowed to vent about it in a comical and adjective-laden manner. But why is this such a hard concept to grasp: if you write about it online, people can FIND IT. And people, shockingly, tend to be less than pleased when they read less than flattering things about them in a public forum. Imagine how you'd feel if a pal described, in lurid detail, exactly how drunk you were when you lost your keys - and pants - at that Lincoln Park party. That's why this particular blog is void of the diary-like entries I might have written in college. Now I just stick to mocking people I don't know.

311: A Brief Review

Just got back from the 311 show at Northerly Island. They were AWESOME. Steve and I used to watch the Enlarged to Show Detail video constantly back in the day, and there was a time when I knew every single lyric on Music. Actually, I was surprised by how many songs they played off Music AND Grassroots - and how many songs I knew by heart. There were plenty of hits, naturally, and a handful of new tracks - really uptempo, melodic stuff, with a lot of harmonizing between S.A. and Nick. That made me hopeful about the new CD. I don't need more sleepy "Amber" crap. And they closed with "F*ck the Bullsh*t," the song my friend Laura and I used to listen to before tennis matches in high school to get us pumped up! The most kickass moment of the night: Chad was doing a drum solo, and alllll of a sudden, four mini drum sets appear in the front of the stage, and Nick, Tim, P-Nut and S.A. all joined in the drumming. I wish I had a picture of it. Instead, I have this:


"This" is a picture of two young 311 fans who were quite unhappy about Papa Roach's opening set. When they first put up those extended fingers, Alan and I chuckled. When they continued to hold them up, we rolled our eyes. And when they made up elaborate finger-giving dances, shouted obscene phrases about Jacoby Shaddix, and started antagonizing the security guards, we thought about making a slingshot out of some hair elastics and a water bottle. I was never so brash at concerts in my youth. Kids these days. No respect, I tell ya.

...although, in their defense, the Papa Roach set was laughably bad. But that's no reason to block my view of the wreckage.

Thundercats, Ho!

It's been a couple days, and I apologize. I had a little bit of sinus/allergy trouble, and it left me feeling less than energetic. I seem to get colds more often than the average person. I'm certainly not a weak or sickly creature - no Elijah Price, that's for sure - but there's a lot of sniffling and sneezing and coughing from time to time. But what I lack in immune system, I make up with cat-like reflexes and dizzying intellect.
One thing's for sure, though: the next time I'm sick, I'll be pampering myself with Day/Nyquil ("drink either one you want, because your cold doesn't give a shit what TIME it is!"), some girly magazines, and the freshly released Thundercats DVD collection. Almost 760 minutes of animated cat-people saving the world - and that's just the first half of Season One, apparently. It's been twenty years since Thundercats came out. I don't remember any of the episodes, so it will basically be all-new, and that excites me. My brother Steve was a Thundercat for Halloween once. My mom bundled him up with so many layers of clothes under his costume that you couldn't really tell, but it was cute nonetheless.

Crazy is Funny!

I wasn't there, so I can't tell you how and when the phrase "jumping the shark" precisely entered the English vernacular. Before you get all huffy - I know it comes from Happy Days and the Fonz, thanks. But I can tell you that on July 8, 2005, two young ladies known only as Melissa and Rebecca made "jump the couch" a phrase on Urbandictionary.com. According to their entry, to "jump the couch" is to have "a defining moment when you know someone has gone off the deep end." Obviously, Tom Cruise was the inspiration. At first glance, the two phrases seem interchangable - but shark-jumping implies a lack of cool, while couch-jumping is more about lack of sanity.

To be honest, there was some eye-rolling when I first heard about this. But then I thought about it - there are PLENTY of celebrity moments that now, retroactively, can be called "jumping the couch." Think Martin Lawrence, incoherent and rambling in the middle of the street, waving a gun at innocent passing cars. Or recall Fiona Apple's MTV Video Music Awards speech, where she drunkenly said "this world is bullshit" before wobbling offstage. Even Farrah Fawcett’s spacy, squirmy appearance on David Letterman could qualify. (Thanks Becky, for reminding me.) I don’t necessarily approve of the contrived birth of this phrase, but since I’m all for the (deserved) mocking of famous people, I give it an Electra thumbs up.

Anna Loves Colin

Topic revisited: Colin Farrell's sex tape. I had hoped that it would be the absolute nadir of his career, but that he could rise out of it with diginity. Maybe Colin would take a look at himself, realize that he'd become an overblown caricature of a sexy, swarthy Irishman, and make some serious life changes. Maybe he could even find a role to play that isn't part of another senseless television show-made-updated-movie and doesn't involve a foul haircut. Then I could go back to lusting after him the way I did after seeing Tigerland and Hart's War. But sadly, now that I know Anna Nicole Smith wants a private viewing of the tape, I don't think I'll ever be able to look lovingly at Colin Farrell again - not without vomit rising in the back of my throat, anyway.

Meat, Beer, and Balls

All afternoon I had the strongest craving for "meat on the bone," as Grasso would say, so tonight we headed out for chicken wings, beer and baseball. I had a prime viewing spot: I could see both the Cubs AND the Yankees games without even turning my head! After sucking back a few Blue Moons and consuming many buffalo sauce-drenched delights, it was onto shouting at the television. As is usually the case when I'm out watching baseball at a bar, I made friends with a gentleman who seemed impressed by the girl who knows her sports. We chatted about Nomie's groin - and impending return - and how nasty Billy Wagner looked.

The Yankees blew a lead and lost, which was GREAT, but the Cubs had one of the saddest losses I've seen in some time. Jimmy Rollins scored on a walk-off... passed ball third strike with the bases loaded. Catcher Michael Barrett somehow forgot how to execute a rundown. My new friend got up from his chair and yelled for a while before shaking his head and walking away. I feel like that's a common occurrence on the North Side.

In other news... former Cub and current Red Sox pitcher Matt Clement makes his return tomorrow after taking a line drive to the head. He's a strong man - and not afraid at all, apparently. I'll be thinking of him around noon... well, when I'm not playing the Last Letter Game.

"Only" A Video

After several of my most in-the-know music geek friends insisted that I check out the video for Nine Inch Nails' new single "Only," I finally watched it the other day. And wouldn't you know - it's pretty f-ing sweet. For starters, it stars a PowerBook - the exact 15" beauty I'm typing on RIGHT NOW! Sitting next to the PowerBook is one of those nails-without-tips toys, where you stick an object or body part against the nails to make impressions. Making the impressions in the video: Trent himself, with lots of funky camera angles and shots for an extra "how the hell did they do that" factor. There's a techno-beat-loving cup of coffee involved, too. I know I'm not doing it justice, so you'll just have to check the video out. I CANNOT WAIT to see NIN and QOTSA together in October. The last time I saw Trent, I was a sophomore in college and I had very, very short hair with pink streaks. I also had to sit next to someone I eventually grew to hate. Ah, memories.

A Wedding Crashers Story

Saw it over the weekend. Here's the (very brief) review you didn't ask for. It definitely turned into a chick flick about halfway through, and that upset me. It had been laugh-out loud funny in spots - the kind of laughter where you miss lines because you're laughing too hard at something totally inappropriate and raunchy... then all of a sudden there's stare-out-into-the-distance-because-I'm-lonely sequences set to Coldplay songs and I'm wondering what the hell just happened. And this won't ruin anything for you, but at one point a character reminds us - in all seriousness - that everyone we love will someday die. I don't need that in my comedies. Yes, I'm a chick who hates chick flicks. You were expecting something different?